You're my Head Start (you're my rugged heart)
by Cali the Little Calico Kitten
Summary: 10x23 Coda. Guilt gnawed its way into Dean's stomach, twisting up inside it, and consuming him. His fingers clenched around the Impala's steering wheel so tightly that it hurt... Dean could not—would not let Cas be hurt or die again. Not ever and especially not for him.


**AN: So this is a short coda for 10x23 I wrote because I needed it. The title is not mine, it's a lyric from Gone, Gone, Gone by Phillip Phillips, which you should listen to because it reminds me a lot of Dean and Castiel. Thank you so much for reading. Warnings for emotional breakdown-ish thing, hugs, Dean's self-depreciating issues, and slight mention of blood & violence.**

The call from Crowley sent Dean's momentary relief at the Mark of Cain's disappearance flying into the wind, to be picked up by a tornado and sent to another country. Plus, there was that Darkness thing that Death had warned them about, that seemed to be sent everywhere all at once. The world was probably ending, again; they'd deal with that later, though, as usual, and at the present moment there was no way to help that situation. Dean and Sam had momentarily driven away from that problem in the Impala. First, Dean needed to make sure the people he cared about were safe, to reach Cas.

Crowley had told him, in very brief terms involving much shouting, that he, Cas, and Rowena had finished the spell to remove the Mark, which Dean figured caused the whole darkness issue. He had also said that Rowena had used her rabid curse spell on Cas, who went to attack Crowley, which Dean also figured was the same one that Rowena had used to turn those innocent girls into deadly attackers before, that had ultimately killed them in the end.

That left Dean with the fact that Cas had saved him, even after all Dean had done, and Cas had been hurt because of it, could die because of it, because of him, _again_. The image of Castiel's body frail, beaten, and bloody under Dean's grip flashed into his mind: the angel's face staring up at him with a pleading look, blood gushing out of his mouth so that he could barely speak, but still not moving a muscle to stop Dean, who had felt the bloodlust of the Mark burning into his arm. _Dean, please._ He could hear Cas's broken and pleading words echo over and over again in the space of his mind, feeling the sensation of anger burn inside him and the cold, sturdy build of the blade in his hand, ready to plunge into Castiel. _Dean, please._

Guilt gnawed its way into Dean's stomach, twisting up inside it, and consuming him. His fingers clenched around the Impala's steering wheel so tightly that it hurt, and his foot pressed down on the gas petal sharply, moving the car along at speeds far past unsafe and that maxed out the old car's capabilities. _Not again. Never again._

Dean could not—would not let Cas be hurt or die again. Not ever and especially not for _him_.

"Dean."

Surely Sam wore his usual concerned expression, and was worried about Dean's behavior. Sam was probably worried about Cas, too, and Dean knew he meant well, but he could not, not _now_.

"Not now, Sam," Dean grunted, not removing his eyes from the road.

Sam must have understood because Dean saw him look away through his peripheral vision, and he made a small mental note to thank Sam later, because the two of them rode in silence through after that, Dean's knuckles turning white on the wheel.

* * *

When they reached the abandoned building, the tires of the Impala screeched to a halt and Dean practically jumped out of it, followed by Sam. Then, Dean saw Crowley standing by the entrance, looking the same as usual, albeit a bit wary, and he felt his blood boil.

He was angry. He was angry at Rowena, for doing this to Cas, at Crowley, for letting it happen, but most of all, Dean was angry at himself.

"Where's Cas?" Dean's voice was rough as he reached Crowley.

"Inside," Crowley responded, and he moved in front of Dean when he reached for the door. "What did you boys do to the sky? It's—"

"Let me in."

"Wait. He'll attack you, he nearly killed me, Dean," Crowley explained, "and, as much as it pains me to say this, we should be careful with him, the spell is dangerous for him. He could—"

"He won't," Dean interrupted sharply, eyeing Crowley levelly, "He'll overpower it, he's an angel. Now, let me in."

"Dean, he's a severely damaged angel and—"

"If you don't let me in right now, I'll move you out of the way," Dean threatened.

Crowley held up his arms in surrender, moving out of Dean's way. "Alright, but don't say I didn't warn you."

Dean ignored him, opening the door, but pausing when Sam moved to follow.

"Dean?" Sam questioned, stopping behind him.

Dean looked at his brother for a moment. He couldn't let anyone else get hurt for him. He couldn't hurt Sam _again_ … Dean pushed down those straying thoughts. "Say here, Sammy…" His eyes moved to Crowley. "Make sure he doesn't go anywhere."

Sam frowned, his whole face contorting into a worried expression, but he said, "Okay. Be careful."

Dean nodded absentmindedly.

As Dean walked in the door, he realized he had no plan, no idea of what to do, but when he saw Cas, his anger disappeared instantly, replaced with a lump in his chest. Castiel turned to him when he entered, growling like an animal, and foaming at the mouth. His bright blue eyes were tainted with red and blood oozed out of them and down his face. The spell was horrible.

Dean swallowed. "Cas?" His voice was a quiet whisper.

Cas lumbered forward towards him, and Dean realized he had no weapons; not that it mattered, he couldn't hurt Cas. He had to reach him somehow. He _had_ to. Dean's resolve hardened.

"Cas, it's me, Dean!" Dean exclaimed, as Cas lunged for him blindly.

Dean dodged him quickly, and used the advantage to grab Cas's arms. "Cas, please!" He pushed the growling form of his angel into the wall. "It's Dean, I need you to hear me."

Castiel growled again, foam still pouring out of his mouth and flailing in Dean's grasp.

"Cas," Dean tried again, "I know you can hear me, I know you're still in there, you can fight this; you've fought worse."

Dean struggled to hold him against the wall. "Cas…" Dean spoke softly, "You saved me. It's just me now, you saved me. I'm fine…" Sticky and wet tears fell down Dean's face, and he could barely stand to look at Cas's face, what had been done to him. Cas's arms begin to stiffen in Dean's grip and his red eyes stared into Dean's.

"I'll be fine if you just… come back. I just need you, Cas, please, I need you back," Dean whispered, and emotions built up inside him and suddenly Dean knew, he just knew… and he had to say it, it was now or _never_ , and the thought of never sent Dean swirling into desperation. "Because I—"

Dean was cut off as a bright blue light flew from Cas's eyes as he was staring at them, blinding him and sending him backwards, covering his eyes until it the bright light ceased.

When it was over, Dean peered out from behind his hands to see Cas slumped against the wall, blood gone from his face, and when he looked up at Dean, his eyes were a familiar shade of blue.

"Dean…" Cas's voice was as rough as gravel.

"Cas," Dean breathed in response, running up to him and slowly pulling the angel up by the arms. "Are you alright?"

"I—" Cas started, his arms still grasped onto Dean when Dean was done pulling him upright. "I think so… the spell was powerful, but I…"

Cas stopped, and Dean felt Cas's hand brushed the skin of his right forearm, exposed from his rolled-up sleeves. Cas's fingers were feather-light as they brushed over the spot again, and Cas looked at Dean with an expression of relief.

" _Dean_ ," Cas said, as if that conveyed all of his thoughts on the matter.

Dean noticed a tear drop fall from Cas's eye, reminding Dean of his own tears. He felt everything all at once.

Dean understood. "Yes," he said, "It's me. I'm just me, again. Dean. And you… you are just _Cas_ …"

He was not sure who initiated it, but one moment they were looking at each other, and the next both their arms were wrapped around each other. Dean held onto the angel tightly, burying his face in the crook of his neck, a few tears dripping onto Castiel's trenchcoat. He felt Cas's arms squeeze him tightly and Cas held him firmly back, his own head resting against Dean's neck.

They stayed like that for a long time, holding each other, neither daring to release the other from his arms, until Dean broke.

"I'm sorry…" Dean whispered so quietly into Castiel's neck that the angel probably couldn't hear him.

"I'm so sorry, Cas, I—" Dean's voice broke, he shivered, and his legs felt like jelly, Cas's arms wrapped around him being the only thing keeping him from falling down. "… I'm _so_ sorry, Cas," he choked out again, now practically sobbing into Cas's shoulder, all his defenses breaking down and crumbling right there in front of Castiel, with the ambush of guilt and raw emotions emerging after being held inside for _so_ long. Dean repeated the phrase numbly. "I'm so sorry, I'm so _sorry_ —"

"Dean, _stop_ ," Cas said, firmly, and Dean felt Cas grab his face in his hands, and Dean's own arms held onto Cas's shoulders for support. "Look at me."

Cas's face was blurry from the tears in Dean's eyes, but Dean looked at him, as Cas's thumb brushed tears from Dean's cheek, where the angel was holding his face.

"I forgive you," Cas said, earnestness running deep through his blue eyes. "And you don't need to be sorry, not for anything."

"I could have killed you," Dean stammered. _Please Dean_ echoed in his head again. "I would have killed you… And this… spell thing, you did it to cure me, it's all _my fault_ —"

"Stop, just stop, Dean, listen to me," Cas interrupted. The angel's caress was soft and gentle on Dean's cheek. "What you did then, that wasn't you—"

"Yes, it was," Dean said quietly, "It was me, I know it. I was going to kill you…"

"But you didn't," Cas said, his voice as firm and unmovable as a cement wall. "You didn't, and what I did to save you, that was _never_ your fault, that was my own choice. You cannot keep blaming yourself."

Castiel's blue eyes shone at Dean with such a tender expression, and Dean asked, "Why?"

Cas shook his head. "You don't need to blame yourself—"

"No," Dean said, and all the walls and defenses in the back of Dean's mind told him to stop, but they were in pieces now, so Dean continued. "I mean, you keep saving me; you're always… saving me, and I—I don't know how you could keep doing that—you keep dying for me, trying to cure me when I almost killed you, and I just—why?"

Dean's question lay in the air in silence for a moment as Cas looked at him, an Dean wondered if Cas had walls built around him, if any of them were crumbling down, but Dean just saw certainty reflected in Castiel's expressive eyes.

"I keep saving you because you mean the world to me, Dean. I cannot tell you when you suddenly became more important to me than anything or anyone else that I have ever encountered in my long lifetime, but I can no longer remember a time when you were not. I would do anything for you, Dean, because you are the most amazing, beautiful, and caring soul that I have ever met, and you do not even see it in yourself, but I do. I may not be equipped for this—I am only an angel after all, and briefly a human, though I was never rather good at being either, but I know it now… it's because I love you."

Then, Dean stopped breathing for a moment. Castiel's mouth opened to say something else, but he didn't get to say it, because Dean pressed his lips against the angel's.

Dean tasted salt from their earlier crying when he kissed Cas's warm and soft lips, and Cas must have tasted it too, but the angel just pulled Dean closer to him, and kissed him back gently, a hand still holding Dean's face and another on the small of Dean's back. Dean felt the deep pit of panic and distress that had settled in his belly melt away as he threaded a hand into Cas's hair and their noses bumped together as Dean tilted his head to the side to kiss Cas at a better angle.

When their lips parted, Dean's forehead pressed against Cas's. "I love you, too," Dean breathed into the small gap, and it felt liberating, it felt wonderful to say that, to have had Cas say the same. Dean's heart swelled and he said it again. "I love you, Cas."

Castiel smiled, actually smiled widely and expansively, the smile reaching the corners of his crinkling eyes and their blue depths. "And I love you, Dean."

Cas kissed him this time, and Dean melted into it entirely, Cas's arms wrapping around Dean and pulling his whole body against the angel, kissing him slowly, with breathy sighs and warm breath.

When they stopped to breathe, Dean remembered Sam and Crowley waiting outside, Sam probably worried about him and worried about Cas.

Dean carefully disentangled himself from Cas and told the angel that. "…And I also have to tell you that the spell from the Book of the Damned, it released this evil Darkness thing that Death warned me about," Dean explained to Cas, and the angel's eyebrows creased in concern. "But, before you say anything, I know you're about to blame yourself or something, but I think…" Dean licked his lips. "That doesn't really matter, it wasn't really your fault, and… we're both here now, Sam too, and we'll work it out, stop this thing, like always."

Cas looked at Dean for a moment before nodding. "Okay," he said, taking Dean's hand. "We'd better go tell them we're alright."


End file.
